Most of us don’t walk around thinking, “I have low self-esteem.” It tends to show up in quieter, more frustrating ways — saying yes when you mean no, replaying a comment someone made three days ago, or shrinking in a meeting even when you know you’re right.
Self-esteem, at its core, is how much you value yourself. Not performatively — not the confidence you project at a job interview — but the baseline sense of whether you believe you’re worthy of good things. And it matters more than most men are willing to admit.
How do you know if yours needs work?
Low self-esteem doesn’t always look like obvious insecurity. Sometimes it looks like people-pleasing. Sometimes it’s being unable to take a compliment without deflecting. Other common signs include:
- Struggling to hold a boundary — and feeling guilty when you try
- Criticizing yourself (or others) more than feels healthy
- That persistent feeling of being a fraud, even when things are going well
- Difficulty sitting with feedback without getting defensive or spiralling
If several of those land, you’re not broken, but it might be worth paying attention.
Where does it come from?
Self-esteem is largely learned. How the adults in your life treated you, whether you were bullied, criticized, or simply not seen. All of these things shape the internal voice you carry into adulthood. That voice isn’t fixed, but it does run quietly in the background, influencing decisions you might not even realize are being influenced.
It also fluctuates. A healthy relationship, a job you find meaningful, being around people who respect you — these raise the floor. Chronic stress, a toxic workplace, or an unhealthy relationship can drag it down just as reliably.
Five things that help build self-esteem
1. Name your inner critic — and argue with it
This one sounds strange until you try it. Give your inner critic a name. Maybe it’s the voice of a demanding parent, a harsh coach, or someone who made you feel small. When it starts narrating, call it out by name and interrogate it: Is that actually true? What’s the evidence?
Then try this: picture someone who genuinely cares about you. What would they say back to that critic from their point of view? This isn’t about toxic positivity. This is about building a more honest, balanced perspective of yourself.
2. Get around other people
Isolation tends to feed low self-esteem (and 50% of Canadian men are at risk of social isolation). Volunteering, joining a sports league, or showing up to a hobby group (pickleball, woodworking, a language class — whatever floats your boat) puts you in proximity to people who share your interests. Confidence in a skill builds quietly, and so does a sense of belonging.
For men specifically, something like a Men’s Shed — where the focus is on doing rather than talking — can be a low-pressure way back into community.
3. Take care of your body
How you take care of yourself directly relates to how you feel about yourself. Those with high self-esteem typically prioritize eating healthy, exercising regularly, and sleeping well.
Alcohol can numb and distance men from their feelings and experiences. Experiment with cutting down on drinking to see what it’s like to be sober more often. Making small positive changes is easier when you’re more connected with yourself.
4. Set goals you can follow through on
Vague goals (“I want to get fit,” “I want to be more confident”) don’t build self-esteem, but completing things does.
The SMART framework is worth using here: make your goal specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. I will run for 10 minutes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7am for the next four weeks is a goal. “Exercise more” is a wish.
Here’s how to make SMART goals:
Specific: Be specific about what you want to achieve. What do you want to accomplish, and why is it important to you?
Measurable: Make the goal measurable so that you can track your progress and stay motivated. How much, how many and how will you know when it’s accomplished?
Attainable: Make your goal achievable. How realistic is the goal? Do you have the necessary skills and resources?
Relevant: What’s a relevant action you can take to help achieve your goal?
Timely: Set a target date or deadline for your goal. What is the time frame for accomplishing your goal? What can you do today, six weeks from now or six months from now? For example, I will run for 10 minutes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 7 am for the next 4 weeks.
Track your progress and pay attention to your successes and improvements. Celebrate them and share them with someone you care about.
5. Create something
Writing, music, drawing, carving, and building are creative outputs that connect you to a part of yourself that criticism can’t easily touch. It doesn’t need to be good. It just needs to be yours.
One thing worth clearing up
Some men avoid working on self-esteem because they’re worried it’ll tip into arrogance or self-absorption. That’s a misunderstanding of what healthy self-esteem actually looks like. The research is pretty clear: people who score high on self-esteem but can’t admit fault or take accountability typically have a false sense of self; which is a defence mechanism, not the real thing.
Genuine self-worth shows up as the ability to be vulnerable, acknowledge mistakes, and keep going anyway. That’s not narcissism. That’s just being a secure adult.
If you want help with this
A counsellor who understands this area can make the process significantly faster and less circular than trying to think your way through it alone. The Canadian Men’s Health Foundation’s MindFit Toolkit is a simple way to access free help. It offers resources, information, and access to counselling specifically aimed at men’s mental health.
What are your thoughts on self-esteem? Are there other strategies you have found to be helpful in developing a higher and more robust sense of self-worth? Tell us in the comments below!
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