When Jocelyne Ludgate talks about her younger brother Vince, she remembers a guy who loved working with his hands.
As a kid, it was Lego and computer games that involved pulling things apart and putting them back together. As an adult, Vince became a mechanic. He was smart, funny, kind and a devoted father to three children. Despite experiencing hearing loss since childhood he loved loud music — partly because he could feel it.
“He was just such a beautiful person,” says Ludgate. Vince died by suicide in January 2008. Even to this day, Ludgate isn’t interested in offering easy answers about grief. If anything, her experience has taught her the opposite.
“Everybody’s way of grieving is completely different…it’s not linear,” she says. Ludgate grew up in Prince Edward Island with three brothers and her parents. She says her five family members all loved Vince but each one enjoyed different relationships with him and experienced his death differently.
Ludgate says grief around suicide can also lead to questions that may never be answered., Talking openly about suicide was considerably less common back in 2008 when the unspeakable had happened. “I had to learn how to grieve over time and to know that it’s acceptable,” she says.
Learning to say the words
Ludgate didn’t wake up one morning and decide to become a suicide prevention advocate. Instead, it started with an ordinary question. At the time, she was working as a registered massage therapist in P.E.I, where she jokes people tend to want to know your family connections. Clients would ask how many siblings she had.
Suddenly, a simple question became surprisingly complicated. Did she have three brothers or two? Should she mention Vince had died by suicide?
Eventually, Ludgate started to answer plainly: she had three brothers and one had died. When the inevitable follow-up questions came, she began saying the words
He died by suicide.
“I kept practicing,” she recalls. Becoming comfortable saying those words became a small act of advocacy. Ludgate connected with the Canadian Mental Health Associationin 2019 to learn about its suicide prevention and life-promotion advocacy.
Ludgate simply wanted to learn what resources existed. What language should people use and how could families talk about suicide more safely? But over time, learning became doing.
One project especially close to Jocelyn’s heart was a children’s grief toolkit. Vince’s three children had learned about their father’s death in different ways and Ludgate wanted other families to have better tools for navigating those extraordinarily difficult conversations. A useful tool indeed considering suicide has been the second leading cause for young male deaths for nearly two decade
Her advocacy later expanded nationally through the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (CASP) where Ludgate co-chaired the foundation’sLived Experience Working Group until recently.
World Suicide Prevention Day: A Spotlight on The Numbers
Each year on September 10, people gather in communities across Canada and around the world to show support for suicide prevention efforts, to remember and celebrate the lives of those who have died by suicide, to comfort those who grieve the loss of a loved one to suicide, and to strengthen connections and community together.
It’s important to understand that most people who think about suicide don’t want to die. They’re simply struggling to live with overwhelming emotional pain. When we talk openly about suicide, we create space for hope and remind people they aren’t alone.
Canada continues to withstand high rates of suicide with specific communities experiencing disproportionately high rates: youth, men, Indigenous peoples and 2SLGBTQIA+ people. From 2020-2023, Canada saw an average of 13 people die from suicide every day.
And the gender gap is striking: nearly three out of every four people who die by suicide in Canada are men and men’s suicide mortality rate is almost three times women’s. Those statistics matter. But Ludgate believes lived experience supplies something numbers cannot.
“Stats and facts can be dry, but lived experience brings the humanity to these conversations,” she says. Even language matters: Ludgate’s working group consciously moved away from describing bereaved people as “survivors of suicide loss.”
“I didn’t survive anything…I’m not a hero because my brother died by suicide,” she says. Instead, the group favoured language such as people impacted by suicide: a seemingly small change that better reflected how some members understood their own experiences.
Raising boys who can talk
For Ludgate, suicide prevention has also shaped how she parents her 16 year old son.
“I intentionally have tried my best to raise someone who is an open communicator, who is willing to have tough discussions,” she says. “If there’s a problem, I want to discuss it out.” That lesson carries particular weight for men and boys.
Plenty of guys still grow up with some version of the same message: tough it out, keep moving, don’t make a big deal of things. Ludgate believes we can do better by creating situations where men feel comfortable talking, whether that conversation happens face-to-face, over a game of cards or while doing something together.
She says that if somebody close to you is grieving, you don’t need a perfectly crafted response in order to support them. “People think they need to have all the answers prior to reaching out, but no one has all the answers,” she says.
Instead, Ludgate counsels people to send the text, make the call or drop off some food to the person in their life that is grieving. “Let them know you’re there to listen without judgment and be present for them when they need it most.”
Grief doesn’t disappear
Several years of advocacy hasn’t made Ludgate’s grief vanish.
“I still cry,” she says. “I love my brother and I miss him very much.” A holiday, anniversary – or even an ordinary trip to the grocery store – can bring emotions rushing back. “You just have to feel it,” she says. “Whatever you need to do to let that emotion run its course, that to me is the most healthy way to do it.”
Today, Ludgate is thinking about what comes next in her advocacy journey. She fondly recalls CASP’s Healing Day events, which brought people together with lived experience of suicide loss for storytelling, connection and practical tools. Someday, Ludgate would like to replicate the success of those Healing Day events, perhaps in her own community.
She admits the dream is still growing, and with a laugh calls herself a procrastinator. However, the idea behind the dream is serious.
Connect people so fewer have to navigate suicide loss by themselves.
For someone grieving today and wondering what life could possibly look like years from now, Ludgate refuses to offer a cliché.
Instead, she offers something she has learned firsthand: “I want people to know you’re not alone,” she says. “It might feel like you are alone in those early weeks and months – even during those early years – but there are people in the lived experience community who love you and want to see the best for you.”
There is no single right way to grieve a suicide loss. Support might mean counselling, a peer group, talking with family or friends, connecting with others who have lived experience, becoming involved in advocacy or simply giving yourself space and time to grieve in your own way.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, is thinking about suicide or experiencing emotional distress, support is available:
- 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call or text 9-8-8, anywhere in Canada, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
- Kids Help Phone: Young people across Canada can call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868 for support.
- Hope for Wellness Helpline for Indigenous Peoples: Available to all Indigenous people across Canada. Call 1-855-242-3310
If you have lost someone to suicide and are looking for information, connection or support, these resources may help:
- Toolkit for People Who Have Been Impacted by a Suicide Loss
- Suicide Grief and Loss Explainer
- Lived Experience Resources
- Buddy Up Campaign
- CAMH Suicide Prevention Resources
- Lean in and Listen: A Guide to Help Prevent Suicide
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