What Does It Take to Be a Man Worth Watching?

I’ve spent years researching how men think about their health, identity as well as how they can influence others and one thing keeps coming up.

Whether I’m talking to guys back in Canada, here in Australia or anywhere in between I find most men genuinely want to show up well for the younger generation. They just don’t always know how. Or (more often) they think they need to have it all figured out first.

They don’t, and that’s actually the whole point.

If you’re a dad, an uncle, a coach, an older brother or a guy who has a younger man in his orbit, then you already have more influence than you realize. The question isn’t if you’re a role model. You already are. The question is, what kind?

Good role models don’t need to be perfect

One major thing I’ve learned from working with guys over the years is that you don’t need to have the world figured out to be someone worth watching. In fact, pretending you do might cause more harm than good.

How boys and young men absorb ideas about what it means to be a man isn’t straightforward. It isn’t a sit-down conversation that you explain in one go. It’s a whole collection of experiences. Like watching what the men around them do when they’re stressed, how they talk (or don’t talk) about hard stuff, whether they ask for help or just push through.

Historically, that’s meant young guys inherit a kind of quiet understanding of how they show up as a man. Not a conscious handoff of values, but a set of unspoken rules picked up through observation. A lot of those rules, like “man up” and “just move on,” haven’t served us well. 

At the same time, young guys today are facing a particularly confusing moment. The old playbook is being challenged, and rightly so. But there’s a loud response online in ‘the manosphere’ that’s trying to push back against positive masculine values. It isn’t just a fringe thing anymore. The algorithms push it hard and it’s giving guys a sense of identity at a time when they’re looking for one.

That’s where the real-life role model becomes more valuable than ever.

Not every guy needs to become an influencer or start a podcast. But working within your sphere of influence — as a father, a brother, a coach, a workmate — is where the important work can happen. In the moments that actually stick.

And here’s the thing, you don’t need to have all the answers for that to work. When I share that I’m still figuring some of this out myself is when quality mentorship happens. It tells young guys it’s okay to be a work in progress and that they’re not alone in the confusion. During those moments, real-life person-to-person support becomes more valuable than ever. 

How to show boys it’s okay to feel

Something I hear a lot from the men I work with is “I want to be there for him, I just don’t know what to say.” Honestly, that’s the right place to start. The struggle usually isn’t that men don’t care. It’s just that nobody ever handed them the vocabulary.

A lot of men weren’t raised with language for emotions. Not their fault, but it’s a gap. Thankfully it closes with practice. The first step is recognizing that you don’t need a perfect script. You need a way in.

That’s where things like metaphors do some heavy lifting. In my research, the men who were most comfortable talking about hard stuff weren’t the ones using clinical language. They were the ones who’d found a frame that fit their world.

Sports metaphors can work really well. For example: every athlete knows what it means to play through an injury that should have been treated, to run on empty, to need a game plan when the first one falls apart. They know they can’t win a game on their own and need the help of their team (on and off the field) to make a comeback.

That kind of language already lives in your mind. Go ahead and use it. Draw the lines between mental health and the way you’d think of your fitness. You train, you recover, you get a second opinion when something isn’t right. The same logic applies. Tune up your car, tune up your head. It sounds simple, because it is. Simple is what opens doors.

The other piece is timing. The instinct for a lot of men is to wait and share their experience from a position of ‘I figured it out’ rather than ‘I’m in the thick of it’. That feels safer. But it can send a message that the struggle is the part you hide. What lands with young men is hearing someone else say I’m having a tough time right now too. That normalizes it. 

An easy way to remember these steps is with the ALEC approach.

Ask: How are they and what’s been happening lately?

Listen: By giving them your full attention

Encourage Action: To make steps towards feeling better

Check-in: Follow up regularly to see how things are going

You don’t need a long conversation. Ask how he’s really doing and wait for the answer. Don’t fill the silence or rush to fix things. Most days, being heard is the fix.

Creating a safe space for boys to open up

I’ll say it again: you do not need to have all the answers.

The most powerful shift you can make as a mentor is moving from an authority figure towards seeing yourself as a guide. That way the pressure drops considerably, and the conversation gets better.

Another common mistake is well-intentioned help missing the mark because the helper defaulted to problem-solving when the other guy just needed to be heard.

One guy I spoke to who was going through a breakup had a buddy show up to help him move and take him out for a beer. Great intentions, wrong function. Turns out what the guy needed was someone to sit with him and listen during the hard times.

Ask instead of assuming. “What can I do to help?” is a question that only takes a second, but can help get you both on the same page about what they need right now.

Context matters too. Some of the best conversations don’t happen face-to-face across a table. They happened side by side, walking, driving, doing something together. The shared activity is a pathway in. Use it. Just make sure the activity isn’t also the ceiling that stunts your growth.

Why men need to take care of themselves too

Men who are focused on being good mentors, providers and protectors are usually the last ones to check in on themselves. I get it. Looking outward and thinking about the people around you is an excellent quality to have.

But here’s the piece I circle back to: are you practising the values you’re promoting? Self-care sometimes gets dismissed as selfishness. I’d argue it’s the opposite. Looking after yourself is important, and it keeps you strong.

Exercise is a good example of how this can cut both ways. Movement has real mental health benefits, no question about it. But when it becomes purely about looking good or about avoiding something uncomfortable, it stops being self-care and becomes a way to run from things. The same goes for staying busy, throwing yourself into work or just being “fine” all the time.

The guys I’ve spoken to in my research were clear about what they want most from the men around them. Deeper more authentic connections, not performance. They can tell the difference, so show them the real thing.

Check your own stuff

This is the part nobody really wants to hear, so I’ll keep it short.

The most important thing you can do for the young men in your life is to do some honest work on yourself. Not because you need to be perfect — you don’t. Pretending otherwise is no good. But because the values you’re transmitting are always going to be filtered through who you actually are, not who you’re trying to project.

Take a look at the values you may have been raised with. Strength, reliability, those aren’t the problem. But when those values get tangled up with the idea that expressing yourself or your emotions is a sign of weakness, then we’ve got a problem.

Get curious about your own thoughts. Notice when you start to avoid certain things. Ask yourself whether the way you handled something is the way you’d want someone else to learn how to handle it.

Opening up about your own challenges as a man can work as a form of mentorship. By doing so, you allow others to connect with you and learn how you navigated them and how they can learn from any mistakes made. Sometimes the younger guys can even help you find solutions to your problems. These teachings can be a two-way street which benefits everyone.

Ultimately, be the change you want to see. It’s an old line for a reason.

The effort is the point

Nobody gets it right all the time. I certainly don’t. The guys in my research don’t. The best role models I’ve encountered are the ones who kept showing up anyway.

Change takes time and isn’t always visible. You don’t need to fix everything at once. Just show up, stay real and use your influence as best as you can — that’s how we move forward, together.