Editor’s note: This article was originally published in 2023 and has been lightly updated for clarity, relevance, and current mental-health resources.
Talking about mental health can feel awkward, especially for men who’ve been taught to “tough it out.” It’s not easy to tell someone you’re concerned about them, but it can be life-saving.
Here’s how to START a meaningful conversation with a friend or loved one who might be struggling with their mental health:
- Set the stage
- Timing
- Ask
- Reflect
- Think
Set the stage
Set the stage for a successful conversation by informing yourself about trusted mental health resources. Do your research. Find organizations that offer science-based sources of information and are not trying to sell you anything.
Government, hospital and university websites are also good sources of information. Avoid personal blogs or sites that push quick-fix products for sale.
Knowledge is power, and some people may need informational support in addition to emotional, social, or practical support.
Timing
Choose a time when you can devote your full attention to the other person. Pick a space or activity, such as walking, where the person is most likely to feel comfortable and where distractions can be minimized. Put your phone on mute.
Ask
Ask open-ended questions. Open questions invite the other person to tell their story in their own words.
Here are some examples of questions and conversation starters you can use to ask someone about their mental health. “How are you holding up under all the pressure of __________ (e.g. losing a parent, having a demanding job, being a new father).”
Keep in mind that you may need to ask the same question more than once. “What’s *really* going on for you?” “How can I help you with __________?”
You may want to remind the person that you are trustworthy, that you care for them, and that you love them no matter what they say. In addition to asking open-ended questions, you also need to listen to the response.
Reflect
Reflective listening is a skill that engages a person and builds trust. Reflective listening helps you avoid assuming what a person needs or misinterpreting what a person is sharing with you. A phrase you can use is: “It sounds like you….” Here you can repeat, rephrase, paraphrase, or reflect on a feeling, depending on what you think would be most appropriate at the moment.
Avoid giving advice at this time unless you are asked for it. Not giving advice may be hard because you care and want to help. You may want to “fix” things—resist this temptation. Try to think of this as a first talk that plants a seed and begins a process of deeper connection.
Think
Think about how you would want someone to talk to you if you were struggling. Think about who you feel most comfortable confiding in or asking for help. How do they talk? What do they say? What are the non-verbal signs of communication?
Chances are, they express empathy and provide affirmations of your strengths and the positive things you are doing. They probably don’t blame, label, argue, or judge you. Choose your words carefully and compassionately.
Remember that this is the START of a conversation—not the end. Offer support and follow-up. Let the person know you are there for them and seek support for yourself, too, if needed. There is a lot of stigma around men’s mental health, and it’s up to us to help change that.
Here are some great resources you can start with:
What makes you feel comfortable talking about your mental health with a friend? Share in the comments below.
The open ended questions are a great tip I’ll have to remember. Many times I walk away from hanging out and my wife asks me “how was so-and-so” and I said, “not sure”. This is because we just joked around and talked about other things but didn’t really talk about any real personal stuff. I’ll have to work in more general questions, it’s not like I don’t care. But sometimes it’s just not something we focus on when messing around. Thanks for the article!