September 10, 2020 • read

Funniest Things Guys Say to Doctors About Prostate Exams

Check out these hilarious zingers guys made to their doctors before, during or after a prostate exam. Even better, the funniest lines lead to some super-important facts about the procedure. If you’re wondering what to expect from a prostate exam, read on!

“This kinda gives new meaning to ‘the doctor is in.’”

How are prostate exams performed? 

There are 2 screening tests available to check for prostate cancer. The prostate-specific antigen test (PSA) and the digital rectal exam (DRE).

The DRE is free across Canada. The DRE test is also the butt of all these jokes. The DRE test is the one where the doctor inserts a gloved, lubricated finger into your rectum to reach the prostate. Yup, when the doctor sticks their finger up your butt. 

What do doctors feel for in a prostate exam? To check the walnut-sized gland, aka the prostate, for abnormal lumps or hard areas and screen for early signs of prostate cancer. 

The other kind of prostate screening test is a blood test called the PSA. In some provinces, you need to be referred by a doctor (based on risk level and family history) to get it done for free. In other provinces, the PSA test is always free as a screening tool.

“Hey doc, can you tell I’ve been doing squats?”

Why are prostate exams important? Exercise is great for your health, and so is a prostate exam. The earlier prostate cancer is caught, the better the outcome.

“I’m only uncomfortable if I feel both your hands on my shoulders.”

Do prostate exams hurt? Comfort, or a lack thereof, isn’t really an issue during a DRE. No painkillers are used, simply because the procedure isn’t painful.

“Now I know what it feels like to be a muppet.”

How many fingers are used for a prostate exam? A muppet has a whole hand up its backside for its entire existence. A DRE, on the other hand, involves a single finger and takes just a few minutes.

“So Doc, which Grey Cup did you win?”

Do you need an annual prostate exam? Probably not. This mostly depends on your age and if you’re high risk. You may not look forward to Prostate Cancer Awareness Month like you do the Grey Cup. Still, every year the September-long event does highlight a wide range of great tips for keeping your prostate and the rest of you healthy — and getting a prostate exam tops the list if you’re in a high-risk category. Oh, and doctors always remove their rings while performing the exams.

“Actually Doc, I gave myself a prostate exam yesterday. That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper!”

Should you worry about …um … poop? There’s no need to worry about fecal matter being part of the procedure. Trust us: it’s no big deal for the doctor, who deals with worse things.

“Any sign of my car keys?”

At what age should you get a prostate exam? Because the early stages of prostate cancer often show no symptoms, detecting it ASAP is the only reason you need to get checked. And if the doctor finds your keys, consider it a bonus. The Canadian Cancer Society recommends you wait until you’re around 50 to get screened for prostate cancer.

As you can tell, prostate exams are, ahem, the butts of some pretty good one-liners. Here are some more:

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear: ‘Who was that?’

I had a prostate exam yesterday. That’s the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway!

I went to see my doctor for a prostate exam. There was nothing to worry about — he gave me the thumbs up!

Download this helpful checklist for men

The Men’s Maintenance Guide provides a straightforward, common-sense health-maintenance checklist based on your age. For more tips on what to check and when to check it, download The Men’s Maintenance Guide from Don’t Change Much for free today.

What funny moments have you had with your doctor? Share your experience in the comments below.

This article was originally published on September 5, 2019.

In 10 minutes, learn your risk level for the 8 most common health conditions affecting Canadian men. Men’s Health Check is free, anonymous and backed by medical experts.

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